


Going in circles

by Gilrael



Category: Haikyuu!!
Genre: Angst with a Happy Ending, Blow Jobs, Homophobia, M/M, Masturbation, Minor KonoFuta, Post-Canon, Slow Burn, University, starts with Moni/Female OC but FutaMoni is endgame
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-01-21
Updated: 2020-01-23
Packaged: 2021-02-27 16:28:21
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 4
Words: 18,087
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/22346413
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Gilrael/pseuds/Gilrael
Summary: “Have you seen Moniwa-san's girlfriend?”Kenji almost chokes on his soda, and maybe that's a good thing. Having soda in his windpipe is a better reason for tears than Moniwa-san being in a relationship. Aone slaps Kenji's back a little harder than necessary to help dislodge the liquid from his windpipe, adding one more reason for Kenji to cry.Moniwa-san has got a girlfriend.Fuck.~~~Kenji is in love with his senpai and the feelings just won't fade away.A proper long-form rewrite of my FutaMoni drabble seriesFade out.
Relationships: Futakuchi Kenji/Moniwa Kaname
Comments: 31
Kudos: 93





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

  * Inspired by [Fade out](https://archiveofourown.org/works/16419224) by [Gilrael](https://archiveofourown.org/users/Gilrael/pseuds/Gilrael). 



> I've been thinking about rewriting the "slow burn drabbles" into a proper Slow Burn(TM) and I have finally done it. This is going to update fairly frequently over the next couple of days since the entire fic is essentially finished, but I want to do some more small edits to the individual chapters.  
> I also made a writing playlist for this, so if you want to be confused by my weird tastes in music, you can find it [here](https://open.spotify.com/playlist/6QXypvaEBCXoy91PrXYk2U?si=57exhHoqT4KkwFclaSADew).
> 
> Thanks to Hil for giving me the original prompt that made me come up with this story, and thanks to Nana for hyping me up and betaing this rewrite <3

Hiroko-san is pretty. She has long black hair that frames her face nicely and warm brown eyes that flutter shyly as she looks up into Kaname's eyes. They've been in the same class since they started at Dateko, and all of his conversations with her have been pleasant enough so far.

“You'll be going to university in Tokyo as well, right?” she asks, digging the toes of her shoes into the dirt behind the gym.

“Yeah, I'll study urban engineering. Did you get in, too?” Kaname asks, hopeful that he won't end up completely alone in a strange city after all.

Hiroko-san nods and smiles when Kaname congratulates her on passing the entrance exam for their university of choice.

“I...” she starts and stops, a blush rising on her cheeks. “I've been meaning to tell you this sooner, but I was scared because... I mean, this is a technical school, and I know that a lot of our classmates are going job hunting instead of taking entrance exams. But I've always wanted to go to university for engineering and... Now you're going too, so...” She takes a deep breath. “I like you. Would you go out with me?”

Maybe Kaname should have expected that this would happen when a girl asked to be alone with him, and yet, he is still taken by surprise. After all, Hiroko-san is pretty, and there are a lot of guys who are interested in her. Kaname isn't entirely sure what exactly she sees in him, but he can tell that her feelings are sincere.

“Oh, wow,” he says, sheepishly scratching the back of his head. “I... I think you are really nice. A-and super pretty. But I–”

“Oh, I know that this is probably a little sudden,” she interrupts him hastily. “And you don't need to reciprocate my feelings right away! But... but it would be nice if we could at least go on a date and get to know each other better.”

At this point, her entire face is red, and Kaname has a hunch that his own face probably matches hers. His ears feel like they might catch fire any second now.

“Okay.” He pulls his phone out of his pocket. He has absolutely no reason to say no to her. He actually finds this whole situation quite exciting. “We should probably exchange numbers, shouldn't we?”

A smile lights up her entire face, and Kaname knows that this was the right decision to make.

***

“Have you seen Moniwa-san's girlfriend?”

Kenji almost chokes on his soda, and maybe that's a good thing. His throat burns as he coughs, making his eyes water before he can even properly process what Aone has just said. Having soda in his windpipe is a better reason for tears than Moniwa-san being in a relationship. A relationship that did not involve Kenji. Aone slaps Kenji's back a little harder than necessary to help dislodge the liquid from his windpipe, adding one more reason for Kenji to cry.

Moniwa-san has got a girlfriend. _Fuck_. 

It takes a while for the coughing fit to pass, but when it does, and Kenji has wiped the tears from his eyes, Aone is still looking at him expectantly. What is Kenji even supposed to say? What do straight guys say when their former team captain finds a girlfriend? He should probably feign interest in her. Or maybe act like he's jealous of Moniwa-san being with a girl instead of being jealous that he doesn't get to be his boyfriend.

“No, I haven't seen her yet,” Kenji says, voice rough. “Is she cute?”

Aone nods.

“Do I know her?”

Aone shrugs. Kenji sighs.

“Goddamnit,” he mutters and stares down at his lunch. It's not like he ever expected anything to come of his miserable crush on his senpai. A volleyball club at a technical school is not the place for a gay teenage romance. He takes a bite from his bread, but it's like his taste buds have stopped working. He still forces it down, knowing that he will regret skipping lunch once practice starts. 

“Since when have they been going out?”

“I saw them exchange numbers behind the gym last Friday.”

_Oh._ It hasn't been that long then. For a second Kenji hopes that they break up over graduation, but immediately, he feels bad. He should be happy for Moniwa-san. He should want him to be happy, even if that happiness doesn't involve Kenji. But it still hurts. And he would still prefer if Moniwa-san wasn't in a relationship. 

***

It's kinda embarrassing to talk to his friends about his relationship. It's weird enough to wake up in the mornings to messages from Hiroko-san that are filled with heart emojis. They make Kaname feel giddy with excitement, and the more time he spends with Hiroko-san, the more he likes her. She's sweet and a little shy but still talkative once she gets going, and she'll smile when he compliments her hair or clothes. But communicating that to his former teammates is awkward. Especially, when they are asking highly inappropriate questions on graduation day.

“So, how far have you gone?” Kamasaki asks with a wolfish grin.

“Why should I tell you?” Kaname retorts, folding his arms in front of his chest.

“Oh come ooon.” Kamasaki nudges Kaname's side. “You've been going out for almost a week now! You can't tell me that you haven't even kissed her!”

Kaname rolls his eyes. The question is more innocent than he would expect from someone like Kamasaki after all. He still remembers his first kiss rather vividly. It happened on Hiroko-san's doorstep after he'd walked her home. They had hugged, and she'd smelled so nice, and there was no way he could've resisted asking to kiss her.

“Of course, I've kissed her!”

Suddenly, Futakuchi, who hasn't said a word all afternoon, gets up and asks if anyone wants something from the vending machines.

“Bring me some orange juice,” Kamasaki says.

“Iced tea,” Aone grunts.

“I'm good.” Kaname watches him leave the room. “Is it just me, or has he been super grumpy the last couple days?”

“Yeaaah.” Kamasaki frowns. “He barely even tries to provoke me anymore.”

“Hm.” Kaname rests his elbows on the desk in front of him. He's a little worried about his kouhai, but they've never been particularly close. Futakuchi has always had a rather flippant attitude, keeping Kaname at arm's length with snarky remarks. There's no way Kaname could just ask him what's wrong. So instead he turns to Aone.

“You'll keep an eye on him, right?”

Aone nods, reliable as ever.

***

Watching Moniwa-san walk away with his high school diploma in hand, Kenji feels empty inside. And yet, he does not cry because that would be stupid. This whole crush is already stupid enough as is. Moniwa-san is straight. More importantly, he's taken. Kenji knows better than to get in his senpai's way.

“This sucks,” he mutters under his breath and turns around. “Gah!”

He almost runs into Aone, who is right behind him, arms folded.

“Will you be alright?” he asks. Kenji doesn't really get it.

“Why shouldn't I be alright?”

Aone rolls his eyes. “Moniwa-san will be moving to Tokyo.”

A visceral fear takes hold of Kenji's ribcage, squeezing and making it hard to breathe. Is it really this obvious? Or is Aone just being strangely perceptive again? Whatever it is, Kenji can't handle it right now. He steps around Aone, hands shoved deep into the pockets of his school uniform. When he hears Aone following him, he speeds up. But Kenji knows that he's not going to get rid of his friend that easily. As soon as he arrives at the empty club room, Kenji sits down in a corner, resting his chin on a knee. Aone closes the door behind them and leans against it.

“Who else knows?” Kenji asks because he has to know whether he needs to do damage control.

“I don't think anyone else has noticed,” Aone says, shrugging. “Especially not Moniwa-san.”

Kenji heaves a sigh of relief. “So I don't have to find myself a beard then, huh...”

Aone slides down with his back against the door until he's also sitting on the floor.

“So you _are_ gay.” Aone's tone is so matter-of-fact that it almost makes Kenji laugh. Almost.

“Is that a problem?” he huffs instead, desperately hoping that he's not going to lose a friend over this.

Aone shakes his head.

“I just want to make sure that you're okay.”

Kenji doesn't know what he has done to deserve this.

“Goddamnit, Aone.”

Be it with sudden revelations or sincerity, it's always Aone who makes Kenji cry.

“Don't you dare tell anyone about this,” Kenji mumbles as he pulls his other knee up against his chest as well.

***

For the first time since he's moved to Tokyo, Kaname is glad about the anonymity the city provides him with. Back home, all the cashiers at the convenience store know him by name, which would've made this entire purchase super awkward. Here, however, Kaname can just put the condoms and lube onto the counter without having to worry about his parents finding out.

The cashier doesn't even bat an eyelid as he rings up Kaname's items, and then Kaname is already out the door and on the way back home to his tiny one-room flat. Hiroko-san will be coming over in an hour, and he still needs to clean the bathroom, so he hurries down the street. He's giddy with excitement and nerves, praying to whatever higher being is willing to listen that he won't mess up tonight.

As he unlocks his front door, Kaname hears the sound of a message notification. Clumsily, he pulls out his phone and tries to slip off his shoes at the same time, resulting in him almost dropping the phone. He catches it at the last second and reads the message from Kamasaki.

From: Kamasaki

> Look who I ran into at this hour!

Attached is an image of a Futakuchi and Aone frowning into the camera.

From: Kamasaki

> Good little high school students shouldn't be out so late at night, don't you agree?

Kaname chuckles and types out a reply.

To: Kamasaki

> lol

> Leave them alone

From: Kamasaki

> Aw! And here I thought you'd help me bully them!

To: Kamasaki

> When have I ever helped you bully Futakuchi?

> And isn't it usually the other way round? As in, he tries to bully you?

From: Kamasaki

> Spoilsport

The conversation ends there, and while Kaname does kinda miss his old friends, he's also glad that he can finally go and get things ready before Hiroko-san comes over.

***

“Damn, this is no fun,” Kamasaki-san complains. “Where did everyone's sense of humour go?”

Kenji shrugs. He's been dealing with new annoying first-year students all week, and he's ultimately decided that his revelation from his first tournament as captain still stands – he used to be a fucking shit to his senpais, and he needs to repent.

“I thought Moniwa would back me up, but nope.” Kamasaki-san sighs and puts his phone away, not knowing that his stunt has brought repressed thoughts back to the forefront of Kenji's mind. “Anyway, good luck with that study group thing you've got going.”

“Thanks, senpai,” Kenji mumbles while Aone merely nods in acknowledgement. Everyone waves goodbye, and then Kenji and Aone start walking again.

“Why did he have to message Moniwa-san? Of all people...”

“They're good friends,” is all Aone has to say on the matter.

Kenji grunts. Maybe he could've forged a closer friendship with Moniwa-san if he hadn't put up so many walls of protection, but it's not Kenji's fault that he grew up in a homophobic society. What else was he supposed to do? Openly communicate that he thinks Moniwa-san looks goddamn sexy in a volleyball uniform?

“You alright?” Aone asks as they reach the intersection where their ways home diverge.

“I'll survive,” Kenji says. “See you at morning practice.”

“Bye.”

_And that's the thing_ , Kenji thinks as he walks towards his parents' house,  _I'll survive this. This is not the end of the world._ But his heart still skips a beat at the mere mention of Moniwa-san, and he still feels guilty when Moniwa-san's face slips into his mind as he masturbates, and he just wants it to be over. 

***

The first time Kaname and Hiroko-san return home is for the Inter-High qualifiers.

“It's kinda cute how excited you still get about volleyball,” Hiroko-san says as she follows Kaname up into the stands. The crowd is massive, since this match will decide who will represent Miyagi Prefecture at Nationals.

“I may not play anymore, but I can still live vicariously through my old teammates,” Kaname quips and points at two free seats near the Dateko cheer squad. “Let's go!”

As they settle down, Hiroko-san sighs and looks around the gym.

“You know, this reminds me of how I came to watch your matches when you were captain,” she says wistfully. Kaname blinks in surprise.

“You watched my matches?”

Hiroko-san nods, blushing slightly. “You looked really cool on the court.”

For a moment, Kaname contemplates finding an amateur team to join in Tokyo, but it's not like he has still got the time for a hobby like this. Urban engineering is a rather demanding subject, and he still isn't quite used to the workload.

“Oh, there are the teams!” Hiroko-san exclaims, shifting Kaname's focus back down onto the court. 

“Oh my god, Koganegawa still looks as gangly as ever.”

***

The atmosphere at the national tournament is overwhelming. So many people, so many cameras, and Kenji is in the midst of it all. His heart skips a beat when he spots a familiar face up in the stands, grinning down at him and waving. Moniwa-san not only came all the way back from Tokyo to Sendai to watch Dateko's Inter-High match against Karasuno, but he also got tickets to nationals. There is, however, another familiar face right next to Moniwa-san. Kenji swallows down the bitterness, although it burns his throat, and waves up at Moniwa-san and his girlfriend.

They yell at each other like always. Kenji affects his usual teasing tone, and he smiles when he sees Moniwa-san grab his girlfriend's hand. It hurts, but there is something beautiful about the way her hand looks so small in his grip.

The fact that Moniwa-san is watching makes it all the more devastating when they end up losing the match by a hair's breadth. Kenji is winded and shocked, and for a moment, all he can think about is that he let his senpais down. All of them. They've come this far, and once again they've failed.

Kenji feels like a puppet on strings as he goes through the motions of bowing to the other team, to the officials and finally to the audience up above.

Both Moniwa-san and Hiroko-san look at him with sympathy in their eyes as they applaud. Kenji wishes for the ground to open up and swallow him whole.

***

From: Kamasaki

> So I heard that the team asked the third years to stay

> Apparently, Obara, Aone and Futakuchi agreed to it under the condition that Fukiage still takes on the captain's role

Kaname frowns at his phone. It has been years since the Dateko third years stayed on for the Spring Tournament. He wouldn't have expected Futakuchi and the others to break with that tradition, but clearly, he doesn't know his kouhais as well as he thinks he does.

To: Kamasaki

> Well, if the first and second years wanted them to stay... idk

> It's weird, but it's their decision to make at this point ¯\\_(ツ)_/¯

From: Kamasaki

> I know

> It might give them an edge in the next tournament, tho!

> Here's to hoping that they don't get matched up with Karasuno again lol

“Who are you texting?” Hiroko-san asks as she comes out of the bathroom with her hair wrapped up in a towel.

“Kamasaki.” Kaname gets up and gives her a kiss. It's short and sweet, and not nearly as butterfly inducing as their kisses used to be. He doesn't particularly miss the butterflies, though, preferring the comfortable warmth that settles in his stomach instead.

“Are you guys talking about volleyball again?” Hiroko-san asks and opens the drawer of Kaname's dresser to get out his blow-drier.

Kaname chuckles. “When  _aren't_ we talking about volleyball?”

From: Kamasaki

> Btw, are you coming back home for summer break?

> I'm planning to visit the club during training

To: Kamasaki

> I'll think about it

***

Summer comes around, and Kenji finds himself too busy to even think about romance. There's volleyball practice to be had and mock exams to study for. When Kenji isn't in the gym, he's in the library with his third-year teammates. Maybe they should've followed their senpais' lead and completely handed over the reins of the club after the Inter-High, but they are a group of stubborn idiots.

But one afternoon he wavers. Moniwa-san and Kamasaki-san enter the gym, carrying two cool boxes filled with Garigari-kun. If Kenji hadn't already been harbouring a crush, that would've been the moment to fall.

“How's everyone doing?” Moniwa-san asks, sitting down next to Kenji on the doorsteps to the gym. The way he licks his ice lolly probably only looks suggestive to Kenji's filthy mind.

“It's kinda annoying, getting bossed around by Fukiage,” Kenji says, turning his gaze towards his own Garigari-kun before his mind starts to wander even further, “but it definitely was the right decision to make him captain. The second years are way more confident under his leadership. At this rate, most of us third years will probably end up on the bench for the tournament.”

Moniwa-san hums around his lolly. It takes all of Kenji's self-control not to stare at his senpai.

“Do you regret staying around?” Moniwa-san eventually asks.

Kenji shakes his head. It's hard to explain why he is not as desperate to play as he used to be but still wants to remain on the team.

“I think the team needs the reassurance that the coach can swap us in at any time. We're not going to steal anyone's show, but we're ready to shake things up when we face a tough opponent.”

“You're way more mature than I remember you being.”

Now Kenji  _has_ to turn his head. The smile on Moniwa-san's face is wistful as he lets his gaze wander over the crowd of rowdy volleyball players that have gathered in front of the gym. It makes Kenji's heart hurt. In an effort to distract himself from these stupid feelings, he bites off a piece of ice, giving himself instant brain freeze. 

***

Coming home to his childhood bedroom feels strange at this point. Most of Kaname's stuff is in Tokyo now; the only thing that gives the room even some kind of personality are the random stickers he put all over his bed frame when he was ten. Kaname still remembers how his mum freaked out when she saw them.

“ _Why would you ruin your furniture?”_ she yelled and tried to peel one of them off. In the end, she had to resign herself to the fact that the stickers would become a permanent addition to the décor of her son's room because she didn't know how to remove them without leaving behind residue. 

Kaname chuckles at the memory and flops down on the bed. He only came back home because Kamasaki wanted to visit their old team together, and now that that's over and done with, Kaname doesn't really know what to do with himself. He would call Hiroko-san but she's having dinner with her high school friends, and Kaname doesn't want to disturb them. Kamasaki has an early shift at work tomorrow, so hanging out with him isn't an option either.

Sighing, Kaname grabs his phone and opens his browser. Amongst the last opened sites is a porn website. He hesitates only for a moment. He's not particularly horny, but he's bored. He might as well jerk off if he can find a video that looks interesting. He scrolls past thumbnails with boring titles and actors with unpleasant looking faces until one video catches his eye. It's an MMF threesome, but instead of the woman being sandwiched by two guys, it's a guy in the middle. Intrigued, he puts in one part of his in-ear headphones, leaving the other dangling so he can quickly erase all evidence of his jerk-off session if he hears his parents or sister come up the stairs.

Kaname doesn't even know what exactly he expected, but this is not it. He's always been super picky about the way _all_ actors in the porn he watches look, not just the women. If the guy isn't a certain type, Kaname will never get into it and switch to another video. He has never really thought about what that means. Until today. Until he sees the utterly blissed-out expression of a guy who is eating out a woman while getting his ass pounded.

By the time the video ends, Kaname has had an orgasm and the realisation that maybe – just _maybe_ – he is not as straight as he thought he was. As he wipes the cum off his hands with a tissue, he asks himself if this really changes anything. He likes girls. He's definitely attracted to Hiroko-san, otherwise, he wouldn't be looking forward to having sex with her again, right? So what if he can get off to guys? That just means that he can get more creative with his porn searches now.

***

“You're grumpy again.”

Why is being Aone's friend _like this_? Can't a guy just stare holes into his textbook in peace?

“Is it because of Moniwa-san?”

Kenji groans and rubs his palms over his face.

“Kinda.”

Aone grunts and waits. Kenji can't pinpoint when it happened, but at this point, this conversation pattern has become routine – Aone notices that Kenji is being an idiot again, points it out and then waits for Kenji to spill the beans. Just once, Kenji wants to just not say anything. But if he doesn't say anything, Aone won't talk either, and eventually, the entire atmosphere will become so awkward that Kenji will _have_ to open his mouth.

“I want to study electrical engineering,” he says.

Aone nods. They've already talked about their career plans after high school before.

“And I was thinking about going to a local uni to do so,” Kenji goes on, mindlessly flipping through his English dictionary. “But... I talked to Coach. He says that it would be a shame if I didn't try to get into a better school with my results in the mock exams.”

“He suggested the same university Moniwa-san goes to?” Aone guesses and hits the nail on the head. Kenji sighs and nods.

“I don't want it to seem like I'm chasing after him.” He looks down at his dictionary, and the first word that jumps out at him is _heartbreak_. “Goddamnit.”

“That shouldn't stop you from pursuing a good uni.”

As almost always, Aone is right. Kenji knows he is.

***

They've been together for half a year when they decide to move in together. The flat is small but cosy, and Kaname likes waking up every morning with Hiroko-san in his arms. It's the kind of domestic bliss he had hoped for when he asked her if they should look for a place where they could live together.

“Mmh, I don't want to go to class,” Hiroko-san mumbles, cuddling up to him beneath the blanket.

“Me neither, but we have to.” Kaname kisses the top of her head and pulls aside the blanket. Hiroko-san squeaks as she is exposed to the cold air.

“Why would you do this to me?” she asks, laughing.

“Because I love you, and don't want you to fail this class,” he quips.

“Oh, you...” Hiroko-san pecks him on the lips before getting up and hurrying into the bathroom.

_Yeah, this is the life_ , Kaname thinks as he gets out of bed.

***

Time slows down and speeds up again at random, making it completely meaningless to Kenji. Losing against Seijoh in the Spring-High feels like a punch to the gut that makes time stop completely around him. His volleyball career is effectively over. He doesn't know yet which university he will attend, doesn't know whether he'll get his first choice, doesn't know if he can follow Moniwa-san to Tokyo... Kenji doesn't know so many things, and he hates it.

Afterwards, time starts running away again as Kenji tries to cram every bit of information that could be useful for exams into his brain. He feels utterly unprepared when he sits down in a hall full of students in different school uniforms and is handed a stack of paper with his exam questions. But somehow he manages. It's not that the questions are easy, but it's nothing he's never seen before.

_At least it's over now_ , Kenji thinks as he hands in his exam. And then time slows down again as he waits for the results. He still isn't sure if he actually wants to go to Tokyo, isn't sure if he wouldn't be happier if he got accepted for his second choice instead, and thinking about that keeps him up at night. But then he sees his name on the results list and a weight is lifted off of his shoulder. 

He's going to Tokyo. He's going to see Moniwa-san again, and even if he can never be in a relationship with his crush, at the very least he'll be living in a city with an active gay nightlife. Plenty of fish in the sea. Plenty of opportunities to find a love that isn't doomed to fail.

“Did you tell Moniwa-san?” Aone asks one afternoon, violently ripping Kenji away from his manga with his deep voice.

“What?”

Kenji is confused, doesn't know what his friend is talking about, but then Aone points at the suitcase that is lying open on the floor of Kenji's room. Kenji sighs and sticks a random piece of paper in his manga so he won't miss his place.

“Why should I? It's not like we'll even be in the same department,” Kenji says, putting on an unaffected air. But Aone isn't fooled. It's really hard to fool someone as perceptive as him.

“Still. He'll be happy.”

***

Kaname is eating lunch with a group of friends from his department when he receives a message from Futakuchi. Kaname can't remember the last time he's seen Futakuchi's name pop up on his phone screen, and when he opens their LINE conversation, he realises that it's been over a year since they last texted each other.

From: Futakuchi

> I got accepted at your university. Different department tho

To: Futakuchi

> Congrats!!! What's your major?

From: Futakuchi

> Electrical engineering

To: Futakuchi

> Oh! Different department, but same building then :D I can show you around once you're here!

***

Moniwa-san picks Kenji up at the train station, long-time girlfriend in tow and grinning from ear to ear. It doesn't sting quite as much as it used to. Time is slowly chipping away at Kenji's crush, softening its sharp edges and corners. It helps that Hiroko-san is sweet and caring. It also helps that Moniwa-san still treats Kenji the same as he always has. It cements Kenji's certainty of Moniwa-san being straight, making it possible for Kenji to allow himself to let his feelings fade. At least he tries.


	2. Chapter 2

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Moniwa's relationship with his girlfriend starts to deteriorate. In the meantime, Futakuchi jumps straight into the nightlife in ni-choume in an effort to get over his crush on Moniwa.

There's something nice about Futakuchi having come to Tokyo for university. Kaname has always enjoyed his presence, even when he was being a cheeky little shit, and it's refreshing to be able to hang out with someone who he can be nostalgic with. Not that Kaname is dissatisfied with the friends he's made in his first year at uni, but Futakuchi just gets him in a way his other friends don't. Most of them have never been part of a sports club, and none of them has been a team captain. Usually, that's okay, but Futakuchi makes Kaname remember the thrills of being on a team, of working together towards a common goal.

***

It turns out that electrical engineering is right up Kenji's alley. It has the right balance of maths, science and practicality to challenge him and keep him engaged.

“I have no idea what any of this means,” Moniwa-san says when he catches a glimpse of Kenji's homework during lunch.

“Good thing it's not your homework then,” Kenji quips, shoving his notes into his bag. “How's urban engineering treating you?”

Moniwa-san shrugs.

“It's alright,” he says before he picks his chopsticks back up again and shovels rice into his mouth. Kenji barely manages to rip his eyes away from the one stray piece of rice that's stuck to Moniwa-san's chin.

Although he's been spending way more time with Moniwa-san than they've ever spent outside of volleyball practice, Kenji hasn't become desensitised to his presence at all. He's still incredibly aware of every one of his senpai's moves. He keeps having to remind himself to cool it with his thirsty thoughts.

“Just alright?” Kenji asks.

“I mean, it's fun but also really hard. I really have to focus so I can stay on top of things.”

Kenji nods in understanding. He kinda gets what Moniwa-san is talking about. The piece of rice is still distracting, though.

“You've got something on your chin,” Kenji points out, prompting Moniwa-san to wipe it off with a napkin.

“Better?”

Kenji nods and thinks about how nice it would be to be in a position where he can just lean across the table and take care of stray rice grains for Moniwa-san.

***

“I've told you a thousand times already!” Hiroko-san's voice is shrill in Kaname's ears.

“I _know_. And I said I was going to take care of it when I'm back from uni,” he repeats himself through gritted teeth.

“You could've done it in the morning!”

“I already had to get up early for first period! Why should I have got up even earlier just to put away the laundry?”

Hiroko-san huffs in frustration.

“What if I wanted to spontaneously bring over friends?”

“You never do, though?”

It's the first time they're fighting – properly _fighting_ – and it's over Kaname not immediately cleaning up after himself. He doesn't get it. He doesn't know how to deal with it.

“Just put things away, and don't leave them lying around!”

“Okay, fine!” Kaname exclaimed, throwing his arms up in the air in defeat.

***

Going out with his senpais from the electrical engineering department is rather overwhelming for Kenji. There are so many conversations being held all at once, and there's alcohol for everyone, although a good chunk of the people who are present, including Kenji, are underage. All Kenji can do is hold on to his beer for dear life and latch onto the friendliest face he can find in this mess.

This friendly face ends up being Mina-chan. He's seen her in a couple of his introductory lectures before, but never actually talked to her. As it turns out, she has a bright personality, and she can hold her own against Kenji's habitual snark. And so he tries his hardest to keep up the conversation with her.

But there's one thing he hasn't accounted for – the fact that this young woman is probably perfectly straight while he is gay as all hell.

“We could... maybe... ditch the others...”

She's pretty, really pretty, and Kenji has had a lot of fun talking to her, but now he realises that he's probably been sending the wrong signals. He can only think of two ways of handling this, and he doesn't like either of them. Either he tells Mina-chan that he's not interested without any further explanation, ruining a potential friendship forever, or he tells her that he's gay as fuck, only potentially ruining a potential friendship and possibly sparing her feelings.

“Well...” Nervously, he looks around the room. Everyone else at their table seems to be caught up in their own conversation, and no one is paying them any mind. “Can you keep a secret?”

For a moment, Mina-chan looks confused. She furrows her brow as she nods. Kenji has another look around the room before leaning in close to her ear.

“I'm sorry that I gave you the wrong impression, but I'm only interested in guys.”

***

When they're having dinner together, laughing and joking about their latest project for their advanced physics class, it's hard for Kaname to imagine that they'll ever fight again. Hiroko-san is so enthusiastic with her praise for his cooking, and she looks so radiantly happy that he feels happy in return.

And yet, there's this sinking feeling in the pit of his stomach whenever he does a load of laundry, or when he leaves dishes to soak in the sink. What if she gets fed up with him again? They never really talked things out, and he doesn't want to bring it up while things are going well. Sometimes he wishes he had a friend to talk to about these things. But most of Kaname's friends in Tokyo are entirely superficial. The only one who comes to mind is Futakuchi, and Futakuchi has never been the type to talk about relationships. The guy has never even expressed interest in relationships at all. Well, at least not in front of Kaname.

***

“It was nice meeting you Kazama-san,” Moniwa-san says, picking up his empty tray, “but I have to get to my next lecture now. See you.”

“It was nice meeting you, too.” The tone of Mina-chan's voice is so suspiciously sweet it gives Kenji goosebumps.

“Bye. Have fun in class,” he mutters as Moniwa-san waves goodbye.

“You like him, don't you?” Mina-chan asks, watching Kenji watch Moniwa-san leave the cafeteria.

“I regret ever telling you that I'm gay,” Kenji mutters, leaning back in his chair. He doesn't actually regret it. She hasn't freaked out and spread rumours about him after he told her, and most importantly, she has started sitting next to him during their shared lectures and asking if she can join him for lunch. Kenji appreciates that about her.

“No, you don't,” Mina-chan shoots back. “He seems nice. Have you confessed?”

Kenji snorts. “As if. He has a girlfriend.”

“Oh. That sucks.”

“Tell me about it. It could be worse, though. At least Hiroko-san is nice.”

Kenji doesn't like the look on Mina-chan's face. He likes the words that leave her mouth even less.

“You are much softer on the inside than you make yourself out to be.”

***

The mountain of work that is piling up in Kaname's planner is insane. Just opening it up to see one deadline after another is anxiety-inducing. It's not the first time this has happened to him, and technically Kaname knows that all he has to do is plan out his days better and not spend so much time slacking off by watching volleyball videos on YouTube, but like every other time, it still spikes his anxiety. He doesn't sleep well at night, and he's more irritable than ever.

So when Hiroko-san says something about him not properly hanging up his raincoat, Kaname is ready to snap. He doesn't yell at her. He doesn't actually say anything at all, merely rips the coat out of her hands, puts it on and goes outside in the rain. He hates being like this. He doesn't want to take it out on Hiroko-san. It's not her fault that he took so many classes with demanding requirements. It's his fault for being careless about leaving his stuff lying around.

And yet, he's still ready to scream.

***

It takes quite some time for Kenji to muster up the courage to go to ni-choume for the first time, and if it hadn't been for Mina-chan calling him a chicken, it probably would've taken another couple months. But here he is, ready to plunge into the gay nightlife of Tokyo.

He's done his research, read some blogs and reviews online, before choosing this particular bar. It seems to be mainly frequented by the younger crowd, university students and recent high school graduates who came to Tokyo in the hopes of finding a better job than the countryside has to offer.

Kenji is ready to step into a room full of strangers, so he's taken aback when he sees a familiar face. Terushima, former captain of the Johzenji volleyball club, is chatting with the barman. Kenji contemplates just turning around again and leaving, but it's too late. There's a little bell over the door that has announced his entrance, and Terushima has turned his head. A huge grin stretches across his face when he recognises Kenji.

“Futakuchi!” he yells, throwing his arms wide open as if he expects Kenji to hug him in greeting. “It's been a while!”

It seems like Terushima has been a regular ever since he moved to Tokyo for uni.

He introduces Kenji to everyone – “This is the guy with the cute butt I was talking about last week!” – and Kenji is more than just a little overwhelmed. But he feels welcome like he hasn't felt since he's had to leave his volleyball club behind.

It doesn't take long until a stranger starts chatting Kenji up. He leans into Kenji's personal space, and he can't keep his hands to himself, but he's kinda pretty. He has curly black hair, just like a certain someone, which makes the decision to follow him outside so they can make out in the alley behind the bar rather easy. In the dim lighting, Kenji can imagine that he's sharing his first kiss with someone else.

But when the stranger asks Kenji if he wants to go to a love hotel with him, Kenji turns him down. As desperate as he is for human contact, he's not _that_ desperate. Yet. 

The next morning before lectures, Mina-chan is wiggling her eyebrows at Kenji as he mentions running into someone he knows.

“Aside from your acquaintance... Did you, you know, _meet_ anyone?” 

“Well...” Kenji taps his pen against his textbook a couple of times, contemplating whether he should tell Mina-chan the truth. But he knows that he has terrible luck with picking friends. Much like Aone, Mina-chan can see through his lies and affectations as if he were made of glass. So he tells the truth. “I made out with this guy. He was a little shorter than me. He had nice hair. But...”

“He wasn't Moniwa-san?” Mina-chan guesses.

“That and he was kinda... tactless? I dunno. I just wasn't into him enough to ask for his number.”

***

Over New Year's, Hiroko-san goes back home to visit her family, and Kaname stays in Tokyo. He could've maybe switched around some shifts at his part-time job and gone with her, but he doesn't even bother trying. The distance will do them good, he thinks. They've just been cooped up in this small flat for too long. Kaname texts her every day, and sometimes she'll call in the evenings when she knows that he's done with work.

It's nice to have the flat all to himself, but it's also a little lonely, especially when it's time for the first shrine visit of the year. He's pretty much ready to just skip it altogether when he gets a text from Futakuchi, asking whether he wants to join him and his friends. Kaname only hesitates for a moment before asking where and when they are going to meet up. Half an hour later, he is all bundled up and out the door.

Kaname doesn't know most of Futakuchi's friends, but they are all very nice, so he doesn't feel particularly out of place going along with them. When it becomes time to draw fortunes, Kaname isn't necessarily surprised that he gets the worst result. With how things have been going recently, he's not been too hopeful for the new year.

“Oof.” Kazama-san grimaces as she sees Kaname's fortune slip. “That's rough.”

Meanwhile, Futakuchi throws his arms up in the air. “Yes! Good fortune!”

“You should pass some of that along to Moniwa-san!” Kazama-san says.

“Yes, please,” Kaname quips, trying to mask his spike of nervousness with laughter.

“You know what?” Futakuchi takes the slip out of Kaname's hands with a grin. “Let's tie them up together. Maybe that way our fortunes will cancel out, and we'll just have a regular year.”

It's just a simple gesture, but it warms Kaname's heart.

***

Kenji continues going to the bar. The more time he spends there, the more he feels at home. There are a couple of guys that catch his eye, and one of them even turns out to be quite nice. His name is Konoha Akinori, he's a year older, and he actually managed to win Nationals with his high school volleyball team. They have a lot to talk and laugh about.

When he asks Kenji if he wants to go home with him, Kenji is excited. This is nothing like the other times guys have hit on him, and most importantly Konoha-san couldn't be more different from Moniwa-san. Kenji might have carelessly thrown away his first kiss to a lookalike, but the mere thought that he could accidentally call out the wrong name during sex is utterly mortifying, so he'd rather not risk it.

As they arrive in Konoha-san's tiny bachelor pad, Kenji admits that he's never done this before.

“Oh?” Konoha-san smirks and wraps an arm around his waist, bringing their bodies so close together that Kenji can feel Konoha-san's body heat seep through their clothes. “Just follow my lead and tell me if anything makes you uncomfortable.”

And then he kisses Kenji, washing all the nerves away with a fresh wave of desire. From then on, it's all roaming hands and passionate kisses. Clothes get thrown on the floor, and before Kenji has had time to think about what's happening, he's naked in Konoha-san's narrow bed.

“Is this okay?” Konoha-san asks as he straddles Kenji's lap, pressing their dicks together.

“Very okay.”

Konoha-san snorts and wraps a hand around their erections. Kenji can't help but gasp at the sensation.

“When I'm done with you, you will be more than 'very okay',” Konoha-san quips. And he's right. Kenji returns to his own room in the morning with his mind still on the night.

***

“Do you remember that website we used to solve that complicated differentiation?” Hiroko-san asks, staring at her homework like she's trying to set it on fire with mind powers.

“Uh, no, but it should still be in my browser history,” Kaname says and pushes his laptop towards her.

“Thank you!”

Kaname returns his focus onto the paper about waste management that he has to read for class. It's not necessarily the most riveting of topics to read about, but his prof actually takes participation in discussion into consideration for the final marks, so Kaname at least tries to skim the text for what seem like the most important points and highlight them.

“What the fuck?”

“Huh?” Kaname drags his neon green marker over a paragraph describing a collection program for recyclable plastics before looking up. Hiroko-san is covering her mouth with one hand, eyes blown wide.

“What's with all that freaking porn in your history?” Hiroko-san's voice is muffled against her palm.

Kaname shrugs. “You were away for almost two weeks.”

“Half of this is gay porn!”

_Oh fuck._ Kaname doesn't want to have this conversation. He never intended to tell anyone about how he's probably bisexual, especially not his girlfriend.

“Just because I watch porn doesn't mean that I am not satisfied with our sex life,” he says, trying to ignore the elephant in the room, but of course, Hiroko-san won't let it go.

“I don't care how much porn you watch, but... _gay porn_?”

Kaname doesn't want to lie. He really doesn't. But this is one thing he's not ready to admit.

“I was just kinda curious. Not like I actually want to do any of that stuff...”

“If you say so...” Hiroko-san doesn't sound convinced, but she drops the topic.

***

“Is that a hickey?”

Kenji yelps as he feels Moniwa-san's finger on his neck and reflexively pushes his senpai away.

“And what if it is?” Kenji asks. His cheeks are burning with embarrassment. He spent the night with Konoha-san again, and the memory of how that love bite ended up on his skin is still very fresh.

“Good for you,” Moniwa-san says, smiling. “I didn't know you had a girlfriend.”

“I don't,” Kenji replies. He's not even sure if he has a _boyfriend_. Sure, he lost his virginity to Konoha-san, but having sex doesn't automatically mean they're together. They haven't really talked about that kind of thing yet. Kenji isn't even sure if he wants to be Konoha-san's boyfriend. He's nice and all, but Kenji feels like something's missing.

“Ooh, naughty,” Moniwa-san says, his smile transforming into a smirk.

“You probably do naughtier things with Hiroko-san,” Kenji shoots back, causing Moniwa-san to grimace.

“I don't know about that...”

***

“Where have you been?” Hiroko-san asks as soon as Kaname enters their flat and takes off his shoes. He looks down at his watch. He's only half an hour later than usual.

“I ran into Futakuchi at the library and we ended up talking for a bit so I missed my train,” he explains.

Hiroko-san stomps her foot like a toddler throwing a tantrum.

“It's always 'Futakuchi this, Futakuchi that' with you!”

Kaname doesn't really know what she's talking about and says as much. It's not like he's been spending more time with Futakuchi than he usually does. They just go to the cafeteria together when their schedules match up, and they'll talk when they happen to run into each other at uni.

“Then what's with that photo of you guys tying up fortunes on New Year's day?” Hiroko-san asks, holding up her phone to show him an Instagram post that Kazama-san made months ago.

“Okay. For one thing, we both were in completely different locations that day, so it's not like we could've gone together. And also, it's not like Futakuchi and I went alone. Kazama-san and a bunch of his other friends were there with us.”

“You could've come back home with me!” Hiroko-san yells. “You could've easily swapped shifts with someone else!”

“I would've done it if you'd asked me to, but I thought you might want some space!”

“Space? I have enough space! It's not like you go out of your way to do things with me anymore. All we ever do is have dinner at home and study! We never go out! Instead, all I see is social media posts of you hanging out with Futakuchi or other guys!”

And maybe Hiroko-san is right. Maybe Kaname should've tried to make more time for special occasions with her. But she could've said something earlier instead of bottling all of this up until she snapped, and more importantly...

“Why are you dragging my friends into this?”

“Oh, are you sure they're just friends? Don't think I forgot about the gay porn!”

Her words are like a punch to the gut. Kaname doesn't even know how to react.

“Is that what you think about me? Do you really think I would cheat on you?”

Usually, when Hiroko-san was crying, the tears would move Kaname. He would go and wrap her up in his arms to try and soothe her. But today her tears leave him cold.

“No! I don't even know!” A sob shakes her entire body. “I just know that this isn't how I imagined our relationship would end up like.”

***

Things with Konoha-san stay casual. To be perfectly honest, Kenji likes it that way. He's having fun, and his thoughts are finally done straying towards Moniwa-san whenever Kenji isn't busy. Kenji's heart feels lighter than it has in months. There are other guys out there, ones who aren't straight and in love with the perfect woman, and Kenji is free to pursue them. Well... At least, he's going to have fun with Konoha-san until they get bored with each other.

As Kenji moves into his second year at university, it feels like his crush on Moniwa-san is nothing but a fading memory.

That is until it hits him in the face again, full force.


	3. Chapter 3

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Moniwa breaks up with his girlfriend and needs a place to stay. Futakuchi loses his mind.

When Hiroko-san tells Kaname to leave and that she doesn't want to see him anymore, he goes without complaint. He's torn between feeling relieved and heartbroken because he's been sleeping on the couch for two days – two days that have been filled with nothing but passive aggression from both of them. At this point, Kaname is fairly certain that there's nothing they can do to fix their relationship. He's not even sure he _wants_ to fix things anymore, not after Hiroko-san basically accused him of cheating on her with his friends. His decision not to tell her about being bi, which was originally a result of indifference, suddenly feels more than justified.

And so Kaname leaves the flat with a backpack that is filled with a change of clothes, a toothbrush and the things he needs to survive the first week of his third year at university. At first, he has no idea where he's going. It's the middle of the day, and his shift at the convenience store only starts in two hours. There's plenty of time to aimlessly wander through their neighbourhood, which is probably the worst thing he can do to himself. Everything reminds him of Hiroko-san, of how they'd walked around here when they were hunting for a flat, trying to figure out if this was going to be a place where they would like to live. And it turned out to be a nice neighbourhood, but now Kaname has to come to terms with having to leave it for good.

When he arrives at work, he feels numb, and his co-workers notice. Even the store manager, who is usually way too preoccupied with more important things to exchange more than short greetings and instructions with his staff, asks Kaname if he's feeling alright. He waves off all concerns and throws himself into work. Luckily, it's a busy day that leaves him no time to dwell on the end of his first proper relationship.

But as his shift winds to a close and he finishes up restocking the drink aisle, he realises that he needs to find a place to crash for the night. He knows of a manga café nearby, but thinking about being left alone with his thoughts spikes his heart rate.

But where else could he go? Kaname's friends all live with their girlfriends or back home with their parents. Except for one person. Kaname looks down at his watch. His shift ends in ten minutes, and he's almost done here. He grabs two six-packs of beer – one for himself, and another one for his friend because it would be incredibly rude of him to show up empty-handed – and goes over to the cash register.

The manager lifts a single brow as he rings up Kaname's purchase with an employee discount.

***

Moniwa-san shows up on Kenji's doorstep with two six-packs of beer, one of which is alcohol-free because Kenji isn't twenty yet. Not that that usually stops Kenji from drinking.

“You look terrible,” is all Kenji can think to say when he kneels down at the table across from Moniwa-san. He grabs a can of alcohol-free beer – the least he can do is humour his senpai.

“That's because I feel terrible.” Moniwa-san grunts as he cracks open the can. It threatens to fizz over, so he quickly lifts it up to his mouth and takes a deep gulp. Kenji tries not to think about how sexy Moniwa-san looks when he's drinking.

_This is not the time_ , he tells himself, opening up his own can.

“So, what brings you here?” Kenji asks and takes a sip. The beer tastes okay, but the mere knowledge that he's not going to get the tiniest buzz from drinking this stuff kinda puts a damper on Kenji's enjoyment of it. But as Moniwa-san talks more about why he showed up at Kenji's flat so late in the evening, Kenji quickly forgets all about his drink.

Apparently, things between Moniwa-san and Hiroko-san haven't been as great as they seemed. Fights have been getting more and more frequent until finally...

“...she told me to leave,” Moniwa-san says, voice already slurring.

“You can sleep over if you want.” Kenji doesn't even have to think twice. “That is if you don't mind sharing a futon. I only have one.”

“I'll forever be in your debt,” Moniwa-san mutters and goes for his fifth beer.

The sight of his friend looking so broken-hearted and miserable is too much for Kenji to bear. He wants nothing more than to comfort him, but words have never been Kenji's strength, and aside from celebratory hugs after they won a match and a pat on the back after a loss, they never really touched each other. So instead, Kenji chooses to run away. Well, run away as far as he can in this tiny one-room flat.

“I gotta go pee,” he says and gracelessly gets up from the floor. Moniwa-san only reacts with a grunt.

Locked inside of his own bathroom, Kenji pulls out his phone.

To: Aone

> Holy fuck!!! Hiroko-san and Moniwa-san broke up

> And now Moniwa-san is sitting in my room drowning himself in cheap beer

> What the fuck do I do???

The reply is almost instant.

From: Aone

> Take care of him. Don't take advantage of him.

Kenji snorts. That thought hasn't even crossed his mind.

To: Aone

> I may be absolutely gay for him, but I am not an asshole!

> Well, not that much of an asshole...

> I even offered that he can stay the night

_Fuck_ . Kenji leans his head against the mirror above his sink and takes a deep breath. Maybe that's what Aone means when he says not to take advantage. For how long has Kenji dreamt of being physically and emotionally close to Moniwa-san? 

From: Aone

> Hearts are fragile things. Be careful. For the sake of both of you.

Gritting his teeth, Kenji flushes the toilet and splashes his face with water at the sink. Aone is right. Kenji needs to be careful about how he handles this. But he also can't leave Moniwa-san alone! That much is clear when he returns to the room and sees that his senpai has nodded off with his cheek flat against the surface of Kenji's low table.

Quietly, Kenji gathers up the empty cans and places them on his small kitchenette to throw out the next morning. For a moment, he contemplates how he could take out the futon without having to wake Moniwa-san, but there's just not enough space on the floor when the table isn't pushed up against the wall.

“Hey, senpai,” he says, gently placing a hand on Moniwa-san's shoulder. Moniwa-san stirs but doesn't open his eyes.

“What?” he asks blearily.

“You gotta move so I can spread out the futon.”

“Oh.” Slowly, Moniwa-san stretches and gets up. “I can help.”

“Nah, don't worry. I've got this,” Kenji assured him.

Half an hour later, they are lying back to back under Kenji's blanket.

“Thank you for letting me stay,” Moniwa-san whispers.

“It's not a big deal. You took care of me a lot in high school. I'm just repaying the favour.”

That night, Kenji barely closes his eyes and curses his heart for daring to beat this fast.

***

Hangovers are the worst. There's pressure behind Kaname's eyes, and his stomach reminds him that drinking four and a half cans of beer on an empty stomach is generally a bad idea. Kaname still remembers everything, although he's unsure whether to consider that a pro or con at this point.

“How are you feeling?”

Futakuchi's voice is filled with genuine concern, which is highly unusual but not unwelcome. It's nice to know that he actually cares below that prickly exterior.

“Like shit,” Kaname groans and opens his eyes. “But I'll survive.”

Futakuchi sighs and gets up. Kaname is mildly surprised with how comfortable he felt sleeping in the same futon, considering how ridiculously tall Futakuchi is. Kaname watches as his friend goes through his fridge.

“Egg over rice is all I can offer you for breakfast,” Futakuchi says. “I also have some turmeric, so I could make you a tea with that. I heard that helps with hangovers...”

“Anything is fine. I'm the one who showed up without warning, so it's not like I can complain.”

“True.”

Breakfast is quiet, mostly because both of them are still half asleep. But it's the first day of lectures, so they can't afford not to get an early start.

“What are you going to do about your flat?” Futakuchi asks as he gathers up their dishes to put them in the sink. “Will one of you stay there? Are you both moving out?”

Kaname shrugs and grabs a dish towel, ready to dry the dishes while Futakuchi washes up.

“I don't think I actually want to stay there. If she wants the flat, she can have it.”

“And where will you stay then?”

_Oh_ . Kaname hasn't thought about that. Not properly at least.

“I... I'll probably be couch surfing for a while...”

“Just stay here until you save up enough to move again,” Futakuchi says. “It'll be cramped, but I have some storage space downstairs, so you can just put your stuff there. And it's not like the landlady will mind...”

It's been a while since Kaname last had tears streaming down his cheeks, but as gratitude crashes into him like a giant wave, he can't help himself. Just like at the shrine, Futakuchi is just there for Kaname, ready to shoulder some of his misfortune, and Kaname doesn't know why he would deserve such a thing, but he's happy about it nonetheless.

***

“That's a terrible idea, Kenji,” Terushima says immediately.

“You are just setting yourself up for heartbreak,” Mina-chan agrees.

Konoha-san just shakes his head and sighs. “Don't come crying to me when he rejects you.”

“He's just going to live with me until he finds a new flat, guys,” Kenji defends himself, but his friends know him, and he knows himself.

“Your flat is _tiny_ ,” Konoha-san says as if Kenji isn't intensely aware of that fact.

“What else am I supposed to do? Let him become homeless?” He folds his arms in front of his chest and pouts.

“He must have other friends,” Terushima says, stirring another spoon of sugar into his coffee. Kenji hasn't been counting but he's fairly certain he's already seen him dump at least three spoons in after taking the first sip. “Why doesn't he stay with someone who does not live in a flat the size of a cardboard box?”

“I... I don't actually know how many proper friends he has got here in Tokyo,” Kenji admits. “I know he's still in contact with Kamasaki-san back home, but that's no help. All the other people I see him hang out with seem more like acquaintances than proper friends.”

Konoha-san shakes his head and eats the last of his fries.

“I don't understand people who get so absorbed in relationships that they forget to make friends.”

Kenji opens his mouth to protest and defend Moniwa-san, but Konoha-san might actually be right.

“He has me, though,” Kenji eventually mumbles, staring at his milkshake.

“And it's really sweet of you that you want to help your friend,” Mina-chan says. “But please, for the love of God, don't go hurting yourself over a straight guy.”

“It'll be better for both of you if you tread carefully,” Konoha-san adds.

_Just like Aone said_ , Kenji thinks, stirring the miserable rest of his milkshake around with the straw. 

***

They handle matters via text messages. The lease is under Hiroko-san's name, and her parents are the guarantors, so it's easier for her to stay in the flat. Most of the furniture they bought together, so Kaname doesn't care to take any of it either. They arrange for a time when he can come by to pack up all the things he wants to take with him, which is honestly not a lot, just his personal belongings, clothes, books and some kitchen utensils. Futakuchi accompanies him, and they manage to fit everything into a large suitcase, a duffle bag and two boxes.

“This is it,” Kaname announces as he drops his keys in the mailbox. There's an air of finality to this action, and it makes his eyes water. He's going to miss Hiroko-san, or at least the Hiroko-san he fell in love with two years ago. At this point, he's not so sure that Present Hiroko-san and Past Hiroko-san are the same person anymore.

“Then let's go home,” Futakuchi says, throwing the duffle bag over his shoulder and lifting the larger one of the boxes off the ground.

Kaname nods. He'll never take Futakuchi's friendship for granted. Kaname never even asked for help; Futakuchi simply offered it in an unexpected show of kindness. When Kaname called Kamasaki the day after the breakup, he'd been met with stunned silence when he mentioned that he'd be staying with Futakuchi.

“ _Of all our kouhais, Futakuchi is the last one I expected to do something like this,”_ Kamasaki said eventually, and Kaname had to agree. But he's following Futakuchi to the train station now, a small box stuck under his arm and trailing the suitcase behind him. They are on their way back to Futakuchi's flat, which, for the foreseeable future, is going to be Kaname's home.

***

His friends were right. Kenji's flat is indeed very tiny, and it feels even smaller with a second guy living in it.

“I'm so sorry for imposing,” Moniwa-san says for the nth time as he sets down a bowl of curry and rice in front of Kenji. It smells absolutely heavenly. Having a proper home-cooked meal instead of bento boxes from the convenience store and the occasional misshapen omelette is something Kenji has come to truly appreciate ever since he's come to Tokyo. It's not that he can't cook, but he's not particularly good at it either.

“I honestly don't mind,” Kenji assures him. “Especially, if you keep making me dinner like this.”

“Hiroko-san taught me.”

Kenji can hear the pain in Moniwa-san's voice and wishes he knew how to soothe it.

“Doesn't change the fact that your food has been amazing so far,” Kenji says gruffly. He slaps his palms together and says thanks for the meal before picking up a spoon and shovelling rice and curry into his mouth. It tastes as good as it smells and looks – just the right mix of sweet, savoury and spicy.

How anyone could let go of a boyfriend like Moniwa-san is beyond Kenji, not when he's this good at cooking on top of being literally the nicest and hottest person Kenji's ever met. Moniwa-san dedicates time and effort into everything he does, and he cares so much. Obviously, Kenji only knows as much about the breakup as Moniwa-san has told him, which isn't much, but Kenji is sure that he would've been willing and able to talk things out with Moniwa-san if he'd been in Hiroko-san's position.

***

Living with Futakuchi is surprisingly comfortable, and so is sharing a futon with him. He's solid and warm – a constant reminder for Kaname that breaking up with Hiroko-san doesn't have to result in loneliness. Sometimes when Futakuchi falls asleep first, Kaname will turn around and put a hand between Futakuchi's shoulder blades. The slight movements and the sound of his breathing feel calming. They lull him to sleep, and with every passing night, Kaname feels more and more rested and at ease when he wakes up.

But two weeks into the arrangement, Kaname wonders if he has overstayed his welcome.

“What the...” Futakuchi's voice is still rough with sleep, but he's clearly alarmed. Kaname immediately rips his eyes open to figure out why his friend is freaking out and finds his face pressed against Futakuchi's chest. They're all cuddled up beneath the blanket, legs tangled and arms wrapped around each other.

“Whoops?” is the first thing that slips past Kaname's lips, and then they scramble to disentangle themselves from each other.

“Oh my god.” Futakuchi chuckles as he gets out of bed. “That was awkward.”

“It was bound to happen sooner or later when you sleep in the same bed, I guess,” Kaname says, his words also followed by nervous laughter.

“Heh, true.”

For the rest of the day, Kaname is worried that Futakuchi will be distant with him, and maybe suggest that one of them should sleep on the floor, but when night comes, Futakuchi acts like he always does, and they lie down on the futon together back to back.

“Don't be so stiff,” Futakuchi mutters into the darkness of the room, shifting around until their backs touch. “It's not like we can control what we're doing in our sleep.”

“Yeah. You're right.”

However, a niggling feeling of guilt in the back of Kaname's mind remains. He's taking advantage of Futakuchi's kindness, and he really needs to start looking for a flat of his own.

***

They still sleep in the same futon. It still makes Kenji's heart race as if he were exercising, especially on those mornings when they wake up all tangled up in each other's limbs. At first, they laugh it off as something that just happens when you share a bed with someone. Eventually, they don't even comment on it anymore.

Kenji knows that getting his hopes up will end with his heart shattered into a million tiny pieces. But hope is a sneaky bastard. And how can he not be hopeful when Moniwa-san smiles so brightly when Kenji tries his best to make something nice for breakfast? How can he not fall a little deeper in love every time Moniwa-san comes to him for comfort when he's once again overcome by sadness and pain because he remembers Hiroko-san? He knows it's foolish. He knows Moniwa-san is not interested in him in the same way. And yet...

“That's why I told you that you need to be careful,” Aone says when Kenji confides in him.

“I am careful,” Kenji says, leaning back on the park bench he chose for this phone call because it's far enough away from the main paths that he won't be overheard.

“Are you prepared to let him go if he finds a new love?”

Kenji huffs.

“It's not like I have another choice!”

***

It's not his first time trying to find a flat in Tokyo, so Kaname should probably not be surprised at how expensive everything is, but he can't help but cringe at the mind-boggling rent prices. All he wants is a one-room flat. He'd even be fine with a room in a shared house. As long as it's within budget, he doesn't even care about things like missing air conditioning and not having a washing machine.

And so Kaname keeps looking. He asks his friends in the urban engineering department. He browses real estate websites and listings in the newspaper. One day, he even walks up to a proper real estate agency on his way back home from work. And it's there that he sees the perfect flat.

Two rooms. A room that doubles as a kitchen and living room. A bathroom with a small bathtub. A tiny balcony. It's kinda far away from uni, but the train station is close and has a direct connection to one of the stations closest to the university.

There's only one problem – Kaname would have to share this flat with someone, and there's currently only one person he can think of who he would like to have as a flatmate.

***

“So I found this place...” Moniwa-san starts, making Kenji's heart sink right down into his stomach. He thinks he knows where this is going, so he steels himself.

“It's a little further away from uni, but... It has two bedrooms. And if we shared the rent it would be cheaper for you than this place.”

Kenji blinks.

“What are you...”

“I mean, you don't have to move with me!” Moniwa-san says, sheepishly scratching the back of his neck. “I just thought it might be nice...”

The warmth that suddenly envelops Kenji's entire being feels unreal. He's happier than he has any right to be. He practically has to force the corners of his mouth to stay down as he nods.

“Doesn't hurt to have a look at the flat,” he says, feigning indifference while his whole body screams at him to break into a celebratory dance. Moniwa-san wants to continue living with him. Moniwa-san thinks it would be nice to move to a bigger flat with him. The thought keeps his spirit up for the rest of the week until it's time for their appointment with the real estate agent.

***

Going to see a flat with Futakuchi feels strange. The last time Kaname went hunting for a flat, it had been Hiroko-san who accompanied him. Drawing a parallel between the two feels wrong somehow, but Kaname is growing increasingly aware of the fact that he is fully capable of being attracted to men. There's no girlfriend holding him back anymore. If he wanted – no, if he were _ready_ to pursue a new relationship, he could do so with a man. And Futakuchi is attractive and nice, and Kaname likes spending time with him.

But he doesn't want to dwell on this. They're just going to be flatmates and friends.

“It should be that house there, right?” Futakuchi asks, pointing at a building further down the street they are walking along.

“I think so. At least according to this map...”

Just flatmates. Just friends. After all, there's no way in hell Futakuchi isn't straight.

***

Konoha-san isn't one for pillow talk, and neither is Kenji. They either end up cuddling for half an hour in utter silence before Kenji gets ready to leave, or Kenji leaves almost immediately after sex. Kenji can count the times he's stayed the night on one hand, and he's been particularly eager to get back home since Moniwa-san has been staying with him.

“The real estate agent got back to us yesterday,” he says as he gets up from Konoha-san's bed. “We're moving next month.”

“Oh my god, you are a lost cause.” Konoha-san chuckles as he pulls on his pants. “Are you sure you want to keep this thing between us up?”

Kenji has been thinking about it for the entire month Moniwa-san has been crashing at his flat. He enjoys sex with Konoha-san. It's fun. It takes his mind off of certain senpais with cute smiles. And yet...

“It's not like I'm dating Moniwa-san,” Kenji mutters. He grabs his shirt from where it's lying on the floor.

“Yet,” Konoha-san says simply.

So Kenji stops sleeping with Konoha-san, and he moves to a bigger flat with Moniwa-san. At least, he's not sharing a bed with the guy anymore, but more than once he catches himself leaning against Moniwa-san's shoulder as they sit in their tiny living room/kitchen, watching TV. Moniwa-san doesn't seem to mind. Kenji doesn't know what that means.


	4. Chapter 4

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Moniwa and Futakuchi start living together. Catching feelings is inevitable.

The pain is still there, but as the weeks go by, it's less intense, staying in the back of Kaname's mind instead of being the first thing he thinks of when he's not busy with uni. A big part of this is probably Kaname's new living situation. As weird as it is to suddenly have his own room and bed again, living in a bigger flat with Futakuchi is pleasant.

But while Kaname might be ready to move on, he still feels like his heart is being ripped out of his chest when he runs into Hiroko-san at uni. They're in the same department, and there's a lot of overlap when it comes to their friends, so it's hard to avoid her.

“Why did you guys break up anyway?” Katou-san asks when he sees Hiroko-san suddenly turn around and leave the cafeteria as soon as she spots Kaname.

“A lot of reasons,” Kaname says evasively. “We'd been fighting a lot, and then she accused me of cheating on her just because I was hanging out with friends... It's a mess.”

“Huh.” Katou-san shakes his head. “Didn't think she'd be the type to go there.”

“Me neither,” Kaname grumbles. He really doesn't want to continue talking about this. “Hey, so Tamura-sensei said that there's going to be a guest lecturer next week. I was thinking about going...”

“Oh yeah, absolutely. Isn't it the guy who's responsible for that new bridge... what's the name again...”

***

There are only very few places Kenji can go where he's sure that Moniwa-san will not show up. His regular gay bar is one of them. He's not regretting the decision to move in with him. Not one bit. But sometimes he needs reprieve, a little moment to himself in which he's not endlessly pining for someone who's so close and yet so unreachable. Some of Kenji's friends, however, do not seem to understand this.

“Have you jumped him yet?” Terushima asks, leaning towards Kenji so he doesn't have to yell over the noise at the bar.

Kenji deliberately ignores him. “How are things going with that girl you chatted up last time?”

“Turns out she's a homophobe, so she's not worth the effort.” Terushima shrugs. “But we're not done talking about you and your precious Moniwa-san.”

“There's nothing to talk about,” Kenji grumbles.

“Konoha started picking up guys again, Kenji,” Terushima informs him. “I think there are a lot of things to talk about.”

Kenji disagrees.

***

Slowly but surely, Kaname notices that some of his friends from his department spend less and less time with him. All of them used to be closer to Hiroko-san than him, so Kaname is neither surprised nor mad at them. That's just what happens when people break up. The good thing is that he now knows which of his friends will probably stick around until graduation in two years.

A month after moving, he goes out drinking with his friends for the first time after the breakup, and it feels good, like normalcy is returning to Kaname's life again. They are rowdy, and they laugh, and when Kaname returns home, he's tipsy in the best way possible.

He's ready to quietly sneak into his room and instantly fall asleep, but when he opens the door, he sees Futakuchi in the hallway.

“Oh, did you also come home with the last train?” Kaname asks as he takes his shoes off.

“Uh, yeah, I was out with friends,” Futakuchi replies, hanging up his coat. “I didn't see you at the train station or on the way here, though?”

“I was in the last car, which was a bad move,” Kaname explains. “It's always the furthest from the exit, and I also stopped to pet that orange tabby that's always hanging out near the supermarket.”

“That sounds like something you would do.” Futakuchi chuckles and goes to the kitchen to fetch two glasses. “You should drink some water before you go to bed.”

“Yeah, probably,” Kaname sighs and follows him. This right here is another factor that contributes to his life feeling a little more like normal again. Although it contradicts everything Kaname thought he knew about Futakuchi from their time at Dateko, Futakuchi is the nicest flatmate ever.

***

Living with Moniwa-san is just so comfortable. Moniwa-san cooks, Kenji does the dishes, and they take turns cleaning the flat.

It feels strangely domestic, and Kenji hates to admit that it's everything he has ever dreamt of. Well, not everything. He's still not dating Moniwa-san. No kisses, no dates, no sex. Just pure, untainted domestic bliss.

It's a nightmare Kenji does not want to wake up from yet.

When he tells his friends about it, their reactions are all rather predictable. Mina-chan sighs and tells him that he's a lost cause, Konoha-san tells him to stop bragging – Kenji insists that that's not what he's doing – and Terushima once again asks why Kenji hasn't jumped Moniwa-san yet.

The only reaction he doesn't quite understand comes from Kenji's best friend.

Aone calls him before Golden Week.

“Our company managed to get a contract with a manufacturer in Tokyo,” he says when Kenji asks why he's calling, “and my dad thinks this is a good opportunity for me, so he arranged for me to go and work with them for a week. Do you think I could stay with you during that time?”

“Er, I'd have to talk to Moniwa-san first. This whole living together thing is still kinda new to me, so I would rather tread carefully and not just have friends over without asking.”

“So you two finally started dating?” Aone asks, making Kenji choke on his own spit.

“No! How would you get that idea?”

“I thought you liked senpai,” Aone says, and Kenji can practically see the furrow between Aone's non-existent brows in front of his inner eye. Is this really the same person who cautioned Kenji about hearts being fragile?

“I... Aone, no. I mean, yes, I do like him, but no, we're not dating,” Kenji explains.

“He was the one who asked if you wanted to move to a bigger flat with him.”

“He's straight.”

Aone just hums and moves on. “So I can crash at your place while I'm in Tokyo?”

“I'll talk to Moniwa-san, but I'm sure he won't mind.”

***

Having Aone stay over feels like a tiny reunion. Kaname can't say that he misses having to babysit Aone and stop him from intimidating all the aces, but the memory still brings a smile to his face. They have a lot to catch up on, and it seems like Aone has become more talkative since he's started working for his father's company.

Everyone is growing up, and while Kaname himself doesn't quite feel like an adult yet most of the time despite technically being one, it's moments like this that really drive home that he'll be entering the real world soon.

“You didn't come home for the coming-of-age ceremony, did you?” Aone asks during dinner.

“Nah. Hiroko-san went back home, but at the time, I was hoping that a little distance would save our relationship.” Kaname laughs. The memory is not quite as bitter as he thought it would be. “We all know how that worked out.”

Aone nods and sips at his tea.

“Anyway,” Futakuchi blurts out, “you'll be turning twenty soon, Aone. Do you have any plans?”

Kaname can't help the fond smile that sneaks onto his face. Futakuchi keeps surprising him with how thoughtful he can be. From big gestures like letting Kaname stay with him in a tiny one-room flat to changing topics to spare him painful memories, Futakuchi knows how to warm Kaname's heart. And as hard as it is to admit, Kaname thinks that it's one of Futakuchi's attractive qualities. And Futakuchi has got many of those.

***

Aone only stays for a handful of days and spends most of them working, but whenever Aone is in Kenji and Moniwa-san's flat, Kenji can feel his eyes on him. Watching. Observing. Trying to figure out if Kenji has been telling the truth about not being in a relationship with Moniwa-san.

It's giving Kenji severe flashbacks to high school, and while his high school experience wasn't all that bad, he does not want to remember how puberty decided to suddenly hit him in the face with hormones that made him horny, hungry and highly irritable. High school age Kenji was an asshole who would rather antagonise the captain he had a crush on than let anyone get even the slightest inclination that he could potentially be gay. Nowadays, Kenji actually goes out of his way to be nice to Moniwa-san. The friends who matter in his life all know that he's gay anyway, except for Moniwa-san, so he doesn't bother toning things down in front of Aone. Not like anything ever escapes Aone's notice anyway.

Accordingly, Kenji waits for Aone to say _something_ as they walk to the train station together.

“I think he likes you, too.”

“I highly doubt it,” Kenji sighs.

Aone readjusts the grip on his duffle bag.

“The way he smiles at you is different.”

“You're seeing things.”

***

Coming to terms with being attracted to one of his best friends is made significantly harder by not being ready to even think about being in a relationship again. Kaname doesn't even care that Futakuchi is a guy. He's been casually checking out other guys since he started university. That's just not the point. The problem is that it's Futakuchi, a guy who used to give Kaname heart palpitations for entirely different reasons (those reasons being Kaname having to keep him and his stupid shenanigans in check when they still were on the same volleyball team).

So instead of dwelling on any of these ridiculous feelings, Kaname decides to focus on his coursework instead. There are plenty of textbooks to read and projects to work on. And if Kaname then comes back home to indulge in the proximity of a handsome young man who just so happens to be his flatmate, then that's fine. He's earned it. There's no need to feel guilty about resting his feet in Futakuchi's lap while they're watching volleyball matches on TV. Futakuchi doesn't complain. He'll actually lean against Kaname's shoulder sometimes when they're sitting next to each other.

It's all fine as long as they're both comfortable, right?

***

Aone's words have planted another seed of hope inside of Kenji's chest, and it has started sprouting. Kenji is seeing – or rather imagining – signs of affection everywhere. There are the smiles Moniwa-san graces him with whenever Kenji compliments his food. There is the way Moniwa-san leans into Kenji's personal space during conversations. It's little things like that that make Kenji hopeful, but at the same time, he just can't believe that Moniwa-san has feelings for him that go beyond friendship.

It's maddening, really, and there's no escaping Moniwa-san during summer break either because they both go back home for a reunion with some of the other Dateko volleyball club alumni. Their lives have become intertwined in such a way that Kenji sees no escape, and the only thing that keeps him sane is meeting up with his friends at the gay bar once a week.

***

It takes a long time for Kaname to realise that he hasn't seen any lovebites on Futakuchi's skin in months. For a while, new bruises on Futakuchi's neck would appear after every weekend which had led Kaname to think that Futakuchi must have a girlfriend. But when he asked Futakuchi about it, he said he didn't. Kaname adjusted his assumption accordingly, thinking that Futakuchi had a friends-with-benefits situation going. But now the hickeys are gone, even when Futakuchi comes back home late on Friday nights.

The thought that Futakuchi must have stopped seeing this mysterious woman is more intriguing to Kaname than he wants to admit. He's so preoccupied with thinking about this that he doesn't even notice Hiroko-san enter the cafeteria until Katou-san mentions her presence.

Kaname looks up from his lunch, expecting to feel the familiar sting that has been following him around for months, but he just feels vaguely sad instead. When their gazes meet, Hiroko-san nods in acknowledgement and Kaname nods as well, and it isn't alright, but it's nowhere near as bad as it used to be.

It's a small triumph, and it gives Kaname the resolve to ask Futakuchi where he spends his Friday nights. Maybe not immediately, but eventually.

***

“Hey, um...” Moniwa-san bites his lower lip, making it impossible for Kenji to look away from his mouth. “I know this is probably none of my business, but... Where are you most Friday nights?”

Distracted as he is, Kenji needs a moment to process that question. When he finally realises what he's just been asked, alarm bells go off in his brain.

“I go to a bar with friends,” he says, leaving out the fact that it's a gay bar they frequent.

“Oh, that's nice. Do you mind if I join you now and then? I haven't gone out in ages.”

The alarm bells intensify. Kenji's ears are probably about to catch fire.

“Um, I'm not sure you will like it there...”

“It can't be that bad if you go there every week.” Moniwa-san sounds sceptical and rightfully so.

The bar is Kenji's last bastion, his refuge. At this point, he's less worried about Moniwa-san figuring out that he's gay and more worried about not being able to escape from him ever again. But as always, Kenji can't deny his crush anything.

“Fine, but don't you _dare_ make a scene when you realise where we're going.”

***

The saying “curiosity killed the cat” has been on Kaname's mind ever since Futakuchi warned him to behave when they would go out together. His first thought was that Futakuchi was frequenting a place where people take drugs or something – a thought that was quickly discarded since Futakuchi always appears to be perfectly sober when he comes back home.

And so, Kaname is on the edge of his figurative seat as they get on a train after dinner and get off somewhere in Shinjuku. There are a lot of people around at this time of day, and Kaname struggles to keep up with Futakuchi as he fast walks to their destination. Kaname barely has time to look around until Futakuchi stops and points at a building that looks like all the others around here. Wedged between two love hotels is a door with an illuminated sign above it that reads “REDD Bar&Lounge”.

“This is it,” Futakuchi says, sighing deeply. “Please, for the sake of our friendship, don't be an asshole about it, okay?”

Kaname wants to ask what Futakuchi is even talking about, but Futakuchi has already pushed open the door, causing a little bell to announce their entrance. Kaname follows quickly, not wanting to be left behind, but he stops as soon as he notices where exactly he has ended up. This is not just any bar. It's a gay bar. Piece of evidence number one – the pride flag that's painted on the wall behind the bar. Piece of evidence number two – ninety per cent of the people in here are men, and one-hundred per cent of the obvious couples are homosexual.

And of course, it is a gay bar! They got off the train near ni-choume. A wave of excitement washes over Kaname as everything falls into place. Not once in his entire life would he have thought to come to a place like this, but now that he's here, it feels incredibly right.

Quickly, Kaname follows Futakuchi to where he's sat down at a table on the far side of the bar. He suddenly understands why Futakuchi has been so apprehensive about Kaname coming with him.

“Wow, this place is amazing,” Kaname says with the widest grin stretched across his face, hoping to dispel at least some of his friend's worries. “Should I go get us some drinks while we wait for your friends?”

“Yes, please,” Futakuchi says, slumping his shoulders.

***

Terushima is ecstatic. Konoha-san can't keep the smirk off his face.

And Kenji? Kenji just wants to become one with the floor. It's a nice floor, clean even, considering that it's the floor of a bar.

Moniwa-san seems perfectly content, though. He's making friends with Terushima and Konoha-san, completely unperturbed by the fact that he is accompanying his flatmate to a gay bar. Of all the possible outcomes, this is not one Kenji has expected.

***

It's exhilarating to talk to people who are utterly unashamed of admitting that they're queer and who Kaname also vaguely recognises from volleyball tournaments back in high school. Kaname can barely believe that Futakuchi has somehow managed to keep these friends of his a secret from him for such a long time. But in a way, he also _can_ believe it. He still remembers Hiroko-san's reaction to finding gay porn in his browser history. Hell, he himself has never told a single soul about being bisexual. It never came up. It never seemed important until now. But to Futakuchi it clearly has to be. Why else would he come here time and time again? Why else would he have carved out a little space for himself in a community of like-minded people?

So many things suddenly make sense, most of all Futakuchi's refusal to elaborate on his own love life. Kaname is not going to pry, but he hopes that this coming out will make Futakuchi open up more because Kaname is genuinely curious about what goes on inside his friend's head. He wants to know all there is to know about him.

At this point, there's no denying it anymore. Moniwa Kaname is in love again, and the object of his affection is Futakuchi Kenji.

***

“You know you could've told me sooner, right?” Moniwa-san says, chuckling and kicking off his shoes in the entryway of their flat. He's a little tipsy. Kenji wishes the bartender didn't know that he wasn't going to turn twenty until next month. He's never felt worse about being sober in his entire life.

“I technically haven't even told you anything yet,” he mutters and steps inside the flat proper.

“Okay. Then I'll just have to start,” Moniwa-san says. “I'm bi.”

Kenji stops in his tracks, and Moniwa-san crashes into his back. They almost fall over each other.

“Uh, I'm gay, I guess,” Kenji replies once they regain their balance.

Moniwa-san looks radiant as he laughs.

“It feels good to get this off my chest.” Moniwa-san pats Kenji's on the shoulder as he walks over to their fridge. “Thanks for introducing me to your friends. It means a lot to me.”

Tears are threatening to well up in Kenji's eyes. This is already too much to take for one evening, and he really doesn't need Moniwa-san to see him cry on top of all of it, so he nods and quickly excuses himself to the bathroom.

***

Hiroko-san sits right in front of Kaname in one of their lectures, and for the first time, her presence doesn't bother him at all. All it does is make him wonder how things managed to get that bad between them in the first place. Looking back on it, he just doesn't get it anymore. Why had he never spoken up about how it bothered him that she could be so controlling? Why had they never talked properly about anything?

Maybe he should talk to her one last time – not to make up and be friends with her, but to get that final bit of closure he needs.

***

Kenji can almost taste the tension between him and Moniwa-san. It's not a bad thing, he thinks, but it's not good either. There are still too many uncertainties. Kenji highly dislikes uncertainties so he won't be making the first move. All of his friends tell him that he's being stupid and overly cautious. All of his friends are idiots, though, and not to be trusted when it comes to matters of love.

***

“So...” Hiroko-san sits down with her coffee and folds her arms in front of her chest. “Why did you want to talk to me?”

Kaname's mouth feels dry. Maybe this is why they struggled to communicate. There's something about her aura that feels standoffish, like saying the wrong thing will get him shut down immediately. But there's nothing to shut down anymore.

“I... I wanted to apologise for some of the things I said when we broke up.” Kaname hopes that the diplomatic approach will work. “I shouldn't have gotten so angry with you, and I'm sorry.”

Hiroko-san sighs deeply and picks up her coffee cup and warms her fingers on it before taking a sip.

“You know, I should be the one to apologise,” she says. “I was being an ass about the whole... porn thing. I was just... really insecure because it felt like you weren't paying attention to me anymore. We weren't going out on dates, and you seemed to be having way more fun with your friends than you did with me...”

For a moment, Kaname is stunned. She's one-hundred per cent right. At the time, he was having more fun with his friends, because with them, he didn't have to worry about saying the wrong thing or being a little untidy. But he's not going to say it.

“It just wasn't working anymore, I guess,” he says instead.

Hiroko-san nods. “Yeah. We'll both be happier with someone else.”

Almost immediately, Kaname thinks of Futakuchi, and it makes his heart feel warm.

“Definitely.”

“Judging by the blush on your face, you already have someone in mind.” Hiroko-san smirks knowingly.

“Erm, kinda.” Sheepishly, Kaname scratches the back of his neck. “And you?”

“Someone asked me out yesterday. I'm seriously thinking about taking him up on it.”

“I wish you the best of luck.”

“Thanks. I hope things work out for you, too.”

***

“I saw Moniwa-san talk to Hiroko-san yesterday,” Mina-chan informs Kenji after a shared lecture. Kenji feels his shoulders tense up and takes a deep breath.

“So what?”

“They seemed pretty friendly with each other,” Mina-chan says. “Doesn't that bother you?”

It does bother Kenji. It bothers him, even more, when he returns to the flat that night and finds Moniwa-san to be in a particularly good mood. Kenji doesn't mention it, though. It's not like it's his place to stop Moniwa-san from getting back together with his ex.

***

Having talked to Hiroko-san, Kaname feels freed. That part of his life is over and done with. No more what-ifs. They're never getting back together, and it's better that way. Now he can go and pursue whoever he wants.

And who he wants is right in front of him and spending most of his time moping around recently. When Futakuchi is in a bad mood, it's always rather obvious. He basically turns into a shut-in who barely leaves his room and who barely talks anymore. It's kinda hard to watch, but Kaname knows that it'll pass eventually. And maybe he can help his friend out for a change...

***

“You've been in a terrible mood recently,” Moniwa-san comments one night, frowning at Kenji from the other side of their dinner table.

“I'm in a normal mood,” Kenji mutters, but he knows that he's not convincing anyone with that tone of voice.

“Did something happen?”

“Nothing that I can actually do anything about,” Kenji says.

“I'm here when you need to talk,” Moniwa-san offers. Oh, how Kenji loves him, and oh, how much it's going to hurt when he's going to start dating Hiroko-san again.

At least that's what he thinks until Christmas when Kenji sees Hiroko-san walking hand in hand with a guy he has never seen before. The image keeps popping up in his mind for days until he finally mentions it to Moniwa-san.

“Oh, I know she has a new boyfriend.” Moniwa-san shrugs. “I hope things turn out better with him than they did with me.”

“It doesn't bother you?” Kenji asks, and he's not ready for the answer.

“She can do whatever she wants. I'm over her.”

***

It's strange being at the bar without Futakuchi, but Kaname is here on a mission, and he has timed his mission so that it's impossible for Futakuchi to interfere. Looking around, Kaname almost instantly spots his target leaning against the bar and surveying the room.

“Hey,” Konoha-san says when Kaname joins him, “I thought you and Futakuchi went back home for New Year's?”

“I came back home a little earlier. He still has to stick around for his coming-of-age ceremony,” Kaname explains and waves down the bartender so he can order a beer.

“Oh god, I didn't bother attending that.” Konoha-san grimaces. “Those kinds of events make my skin crawl.”

“I didn't go to mine either, but Futakuchi says that he needs the money.”

That makes Konoha-san laugh.

“And speaking of Futakuchi,” Kaname goes on, finger tightening around his bottle of beer, “you don't happen to know what his type is, do you?”

The noise that leaves Konoha-san's throat in response almost sounds like a cat that's throwing up a hairball. He quickly puts his cocktail down on the bar and starts coughing.

“You alright?” Kaname asks, frowning.

“I'm okay,” Konoha-san wheezes. “Just choked on my drink.” When his coughing fit finally stops Konoha-san rubs his face and shakes his head. “Do you want to get in Futakuchi's pants?”

“I wouldn't phrase it like that,” Kaname says, unsure whether he should take offence or not. “But yes, I am interested in him.”

“Fucking hell.” Konoha-san downs the rest of his drink in one go. “Just be yourself.”

That's the problem, though.

“My self isn't particularly interesting, I think,” Kaname admits.

“Trust me. You've only been here twice before now, and you've already charmed the socks off of half the regulars. You're plenty interesting, and Futakuchi isn't immune to your charms either.”

A blush rises all the way to the tips of Kaname's ears. That's definitely not the response he expected.

***

Kenji loves his family, he really does, but going back for the coming-of-age ceremony was more of a chore than a vacation. Everyone kept asking about uni and whether there were any nice girls in his department, and by the end of it, Kenji was so close to screaming that he'd rather fuck the most unattractive guy in his department than go on a date with the hottest woman that he was glad to be able to go back home to Tokyo.

The first thing he does is throw his dirty clothes into the washing machine, and then he immediately flops down on the couch next to Moniwa-san who's watching some kind of nature documentary. It's not the most riveting thing to watch, but Kenji is not going to complain. He's just going to revel in the fact that he's home once more, and that Moniwa-san is here with him.

“Hey, Futakuchi.”

Kenji doesn't want to open his eyes. He's so warm and comfy.

“Futakuchi.”

Fingers brush the hair out of Kenji's face, their touch oh so gentle.

“C'mon, dude. I'd love to sleep in a bed instead of on the couch tonight.”

Suddenly, Kenji's eyes snap open. As he looks up into a pair of dark eyes, he realises that his head is resting on Moniwa-san's lap and that Moniwa-san must have draped his cardigan over Kenji after he fell asleep watching TV.

Wordlessly, he hands the cardigan back to Moniwa-san and gets up. This is getting out of hand.

“For god's sake, tell him,” Mina-chan groans when Kenji talks to her before lectures the next day. “What's the worst thing that could happen?”

“He could reject me,” Kenji says matter-of-factly.

“You'd at least know. You could maybe finally move on!”

Kenji knows that his friend only wants what's best for him. But telling Moniwa-san that he loves him requires a kind of bravery that is beyond Kenji. That's just not the type of guy he is.

***

Kaname isn't sure how much trust he can put into Konoha-san's assessment of his chances with Futakuchi, but it has certainly given him the confidence to be a little more daring. He explicitly goes out of his way to sit down closer to Futakuchi. He makes his favourite foods more often. Kaname has no idea how to properly flirt with a gay guy, but he's trying his best.

And then an opportunity that is too good to be true falls in his lap.

***

Winter isn't over yet when the central heating in the whole house suddenly fails. Since they only have one fan heater, Kenji and Moniwa-san set up camp in the living room while their landlord tries his best to find someone who can fix the central heating.

The tension is back with full force, and this time, Kenji is too weak to fight back. They sleep in the same futon, just like they had done almost a year ago in Kenji's old flat. It's heartbreakingly nostalgic, and Kenji could swear that Moniwa-san is purposefully cuddling up against his chest.

***

Their landlord assured them that the heating will be fixed before the weekend, but Kaname doesn't think he would mind some more cold nights like these. What used to be a comforting ritual that helped Kaname get over his broken heart has suddenly turned into a situation that makes Kaname's pulse quicken. Sleeping in the same futon as Futakuchi is heaven on earth, especially with the room around them being so cold. It gives Kaname the perfect excuse to seek out the warmth of Futakuchi's embrace, and he shamelessly takes advantage of that.

On the second night, just as Kaname is about to fall asleep he hears a quiet rumble behind him. Kaname is all curled up with his back against Futakuchi's chest, and he's oh so comfortable, but then he hears Futakuchi say his name.

“Hm?”

“Moniwa-san...” Futakuchi sighs and presses his face into Kaname's hair.

“Are you talking in your sleep?”

“Kaname...”

There's a tenderness in Futakuchi's voice as he says Kaname's name in his sleep that makes Kaname's chest feel tight. Futakuchi is dreaming about him and calling him by his given name, and it's the last push Kaname needs.

***

When the heat comes back on, Kenji heaves a sigh of relief and immediately starts cleaning up the living room. As he's folding away the futon, he hears Moniwa-san clear his throat.

“Something wrong?” Kenji asks, turning around to find Moniwa-san incredibly close to him. Moniwa-san is chewing on his lips again, and Kenji is tempted to just lean down and capture them in a kiss. He's a little surprised when suddenly Moniwa-san grabs the back of his head and pulls him down to make Kenji's fantasies reality.

***

Futakuchi is kissing back. He is actually kissing Kaname back, and it feels so different from what Kaname imagined. It's weird being smaller and having to angle his face up, but the way Futakuchi's large hands come to cup his face does _things_ to Kaname. He feels all tingly and happy, and he finally has to say something.

“I like you.” He immediately tries to go back in for another kiss, but Futakuchi won't let him.

“Go out with me?” Futakuchi's reply is somewhere between a command and a question but Kaname doesn't care.

“Yes.”

And then they're finally kissing again. Kaname sneaks his hands below Futakuchi's sweater, making his boyfriend – _boyfriend!_ – shiver.

“I want you,” Futakuchi sighs, slowly sliding his palms down Kaname's neck and shoulders and arms until he reaches Kaname's wrists. “Help me take this thing off.”

He doesn't have to ask twice. Kaname makes quick work of Futakuchi's sweater, throwing it aside carelessly. He hears how it knocks over _something_ , but he doesn't care enough to check what it is. He's too preoccupied with Futakuchi's bare chest being right in front of him to care about much else. There are goosebumps all over his skin, which is to be expected what with the central heating only having come back on half an hour ago and the flat still being fairly cold, but Kaname likes to think that he also has a part in it.

Before long, all of their clothes are scattered on the floor. Kaname feels self-conscious and excited at the same time, but he chooses to focus on the latter, especially when Futakuchi goes down on his knees and asks Kaname to lean his back against the wall.

***

Kenji is probably acting like an overexcited puppy eager to please his new owner, but Moniwa-san doesn't seem to mind. In fact, he seems to enjoy Kenji's enthusiasm. His knees buckle once Kenji manages to take him all the way down to the base, and the moan that escapes his throat is music in Kenji's ears. Carefully, he helps Moniwa-san slide down the wall until he's sitting on the ground. The position is the opposite of comfortable for Kenji, but he couldn't care less. He's been dreaming about doing this for longer than is probably healthy, and he's not gonna be stopped by aching knees. He wants to hear more of those moans.

“ _Fuck!_ ” Moniwa-san exclaims as Kenji hollows out his cheeks and starts bobbing his head up and down. It's a dream come true, and Kenji can barely believe that this moment is real.

***

There's nothing but pleasure on Kaname's mind. Nothing but the pretty mouth around his dick and the cheeky gleam in warm brown eyes. Kaname has always had a thing for brown eyes, and Futakuchi's gaze sends additional tingles down Kaname's spine.

“I'm close,” he gasps, “very close.”

Futakuchi pulls off in one languid motion and starts jerking Kaname off with his hand instead. Kaname takes this opportunity to pull him in for a kiss, groaning into his boyfriend's mouth as a final wave of pleasure shakes his body before he comes. Futakuchi strokes him through it all, whispering sweet nothings that barely make sense to Kaname's clouded mind. He needs a minute to come back down from his high, and when he does, he's ready to return the favour. He's never given anyone a blowjob before, but he wants to try at least.

“Should I...” Kaname mimes going down on Futakuchi, but Futakuchi shakes his head.

“I'd come immediately,” he admits, face glowing red. “A handjob would probably be better right now.”

“Sure.” Kaname gives Futakuchi's shoulders a little push, prompting him to lean back so Kaname has a little more space to work with. Kaname would prefer having some lube to help things along, but the little box he keeps under his bed is far away, and he's not going to leave Futakuchi waiting. He wraps his fingers around Futakuchi's length, immediately earning a soft moan in response. The noise is hot as fuck.

“God, I love your voice,” Kaname growls, tightening his grip as he moves his hand up and down. Futakuchi seems to be beyond words, however. It only takes a couple minutes until he lets his head fall back with a loud groan, coming all over his own stomach and Kaname's hand.

“Wow. That was... wow,” Futakuchi mumbles, and Kaname feels a little proud of himself for reducing Futakuchi to a blabbering mess.

***

Kenji is breathing heavily, and so is Moniwa-san whose head is resting on Kenji's naked chest.

“Wow,” Kenji repeats once again because he still can't believe this is actually happening.

“Wow, indeed,” Moniwa-san agrees, his words followed by breathless laughter. “I did not expect you to be this good with your mouth.”

“Konoha-san taught me,” Kenji says, having completely lost all filters.

“Oh, so he was the one who was leaving all those hickeys?” Moniwa-san asks, and Kenji finally realises what he'd just revealed to his new boyfriend.

“I stopped seeing him when you and I moved in together!” he blurts out in a panic.

“I guessed as much when you stopped getting new hickeys,” Moniwa-san says, unfazed, and places a soft kiss on Kenji's chest. “Don't worry about it. Not like this was my first time either.”

“Goodness, I love you so much,” Kenji whispers. It's probably too much too soon, but at that particular moment, he can't help himself.

Moniwa-san hums contentedly. “Love you, too.”

Kenji isn't quite sure how he managed to get this far. He has been ready to let his feelings for Moniwa-san fade away on multiple occasions, and now here he is, naked on the floor with Moniwa-san in his arms. Now the only thing that is fading is the old pain in Kenji's heart.

~~~

Takanobu smiles down at the photo Futakuchi sent him out of the blue. It shows Futakuchi pressing a kiss onto Moniwa-senpai's temple.

From: Futakuchi

> You were right

To: Futakuchi

> I know. I always am.

Takanobu is happy for his friends, especially Futakuchi. The guy has been pining for way too long.

To: Futakuchi

> Make sure to treat him right.

From: Futakuchi

> No worries, he's been an absolute sweetheart so far. Shocking, I know :P

> ~Moniwa

**Author's Note:**

> You can find me on [Tumblr](http://gilrael.tumblr.com), [Pillowfort](https://pillowfort.social/Gilrael) and [Twitter](https://twitter.com/Gilrael92) if you want to keep up with my writing :)


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